1×01 :: WRONG SONG

Kevin: [talking to the audience] OK, there were like… 100 pictures of her in his locker right?
Joe: That’s what we thought

Joe: Look at them all cozy in there…
Kevin: It would just be so rude of us to butt in. Oh, we definitely gotta do this
Joe: Let’s do it.
Kevin: OK

Stella: Are these clowns bothering you?
Joe & Kevin: [low and slow] No…
Nick: Yes

Joe: I’m thinking of someone. 20 questions. Go.
Kevin: OK. Is it someone famous?
Joe: Yes
Kevin: Is it me?
Joe: No
Kevin: Is it Will Smith?

Joe: Man, you’re good.

Kevin: OK, I’ve got one for you. I’m thinking of something and it’s an animal.
Joe: It’s an otter that plays the trumpet.
Kevin: Wow, we know each other so well!

Joe: How about me and Kevin come with you to Penny’s show tonight? Just for support.
Nick: No. No. Erm–if you guys go it’ll draw too much attention. I mean, everyone’ll be paying attention to JONAS and not to Penny.
Kevin: Well, then we’ll go low-key.
Nick: Real low-key or your version of low-key?

Nick: What’s your problem?
Joe: Stella got me to test out these new Stellcro pants and they itch like crazy.

Joe: Dude, your girlfriend has a boyfriend.
Nick: She’s not my girlfriend. Can we just go… now?
Joe: Yeah, sure…
[Joe tries to get up, but he's stuck to the chair]
Joe: Uh oh! I think I put the Stellcro jeans on inside out.
Kevin: How do you know?
Joe: Just a feeling!

Penny: Your brother writes amazing songs.
[Nick slides out of the studio]
Nick: It’s nothing, I write songs all the time.
Kevin: It’s true, he can write a song before breakfast.
Joe: But we never use them because they’re always like [sings with hilarity] “My stomach’s growling for looove!” … Love that song.

Nick: If I do the locker thing, would you guys bring me food?
Joe: Absolutely not.
Kevin: Do I look like a waiter?

1×02 :: GROOVY MOVIES

Joe: I can’t believe you fell for that again. Dude, it’s not their anniversary… it’s dad’s birthday. Duh! [Nick and Kevin look at each other] I’m not kidding.
Nick: I’m not going for that twice.
Kevin: Yeah.
Joe: Guys, check this out. [pulls out a life-size birthday card out of his locker]
Kevin: Nick, I think we forgot dad’s birthday.
Nick: I forgot last year too.
Joe: PSYCH! … I am so awesome!
Stella: Hey hey. Do you think your mom will like this for her birthday?
Kevin: Stella, we just pulled the same scam like two minutes ago.
Joe: And I just pulled the same scam two seconds ago.
Nick: Yeah and I’m not going to fall for it a third time.
Joe: Besides, that’s the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen. You would never buy that for our mom. Look at it.
Stella: OK fine, you win. [throws sweater at Kevin] I would never get her that. What I really got her is this Andre Foulard silk scarf from Paris [pulls out a scarf from her bag and wraps it around her neck]
Kevin: Erm–Nick…
Nick: That is something she would get our mom.
Kevin: I know.
Stella: You guys forgot her birthday, didn’t you?
[Kevin and Nick at the same time]
Kevin: No, I got her a… sweater.
Nick: No, absolutely not.
Joe: Card.
Stella: I think the school store is still open.
Joe: Good idea!
[Kevin, Nick and Joe run down the hall]
Kevin: Mom loves pencils.
Joe: Let’s get her a football helmet!

Nick: I have no idea what to get mom for her birthday.
Joe: Mom shouldn’t be allowed to have birthdays, they’ve been around so long, they’ve gotten every possible present.
Nick: Nice, make sure to write that in the card.

[Nick reading a women's magazine]
Nick: Here’s something, Top 5 Things Mom Wants Most For Her Birthday.
Kevin: Excellent!
Nick: Number five. A candle that smells like… spaghetti.
Joe: She’s already got one. And she’s never even lit it. Are those bite marks?
Kevin: What? It smelled delicious.
Nick: Alright, number four is a gold monkey clock that howels on the hour.
Joe: Two birthdays ago. And it’s still running fast.
Nick: Number three is a dinner with Joe.
Joe: I’m number three? What’s number two?
Nick: A vacation with the family.
Kevin: Hmm…
Joe: What about number one?
Nick: A vacation without the family.
Kevin: Makes sense…

Sandy: What are you hiding?
Tom: A woman’s magazine?
Nick: Erm–we’re just doing some research on
Joe: Women.
Kevin: Because we’re writing a brand new song about
Joe: Women.
Nick: Oh, we’re writing it as
Joe: Women.
Nick: Oh, he means from the female perspective.
Kevin: I think…

Sandy: Sweety, you have to come see this, you were the cutest little boy in the world.
Nick: Oh, thanks mom.
Kevin: Oh, I know I was…
Joe: How old am I?

Nick: I was waiting for all my teeth to come in.
Joe: So what’s your excuse now?

Nick: Wow, that’s my old drumset.
Joe: It’s the same one you still use on tour.
Kevin: Nice dance moves, Joe.
Nick: Did you have to go to the bathroom or something? … Hey, it’s Kevin’s first girlfriend.
Joe: Wow, those are big ears… on the horse too! Dig the lasso Kev.
Nick: Go Cowboy Kev! … And that is the same way you get dates today.
Kevin: At least I get them.
Nick: No you don’t.
Kevin: Yes I do.

Nick: Are you crying?
Joe: What? No… Th–a bug flew in my eye. Are you crying?
Kevin: Yes.

Joe: We are rockin’ mom’s birthday.
Kevin: Batter up!
Joe: Hey batter batter! [Kevin pours cake batter into the bowl Joe's holding] More batter.
Kevin: More batter! [Kevin pours more batter into the bowl] What?
Joe: It’s like a mysterious bottomless bowl.
Nick: That’s not a bowl! That’s a colander.
Kevin: What’s a colander?
Nick: Something only you guys would call a mysterious bottomless bowl. A colander has holes in the bottom.

Joe: We batter, burn and foam all our home movies and she forgives us?
Nick: Yeah, and she’ll never mention it again. She’ll be all sweet and loving.
Joe: It’s going to be torture.
Kevin: We should just move out. Let them raise Frankie in peace. Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea. We can’t save the video tapes, but we can save the memories.
Joe: Kevin, it sounds like you have a scheme in mind and we’re supposed to ask you what it is.
[Kevin smiles, silence for a moment]
Kevin: Oh right, me. OK, erm–we get a camera, we build some sets, we have Stella help us out with some costumes, we reinact our home movies and we video tape them.
Joe: Genius.
Nick: And I thought it was going to be something completely ridiculous.
[Kevin gives Nick a hug and Joe joins in]
Nick: I’m proud of you. Stop hugging me now. [Joe lets go, but Kevin won't] Nope… alright [Nick pushes Kevin away]

Joe: Alright, action Kevin! [Kevin walks in with a lasso and cowboy boots on] Did you have those boots on in the original movie?
Kevin: I do now!
Joe: Kevin with lasso, take one.

Joe: Kevin with lasso, take thirteen
Kevin: Are you going to count every single take?
Joe: Are you going to miss every single take? That’s right, here we go. [Kevin lasso's the broom out of Nick's hand and the broom flies and knocks Joe to the ground] Cut! Print…

1×03 :: PIZZA GIRL

[Joe, Nick and Kevin slide down the fireploes]
Joe: That’s for me, I ordered pizza!
Nick: That’s for me, I ordered pizza!
Kevin: That’s for me, I ordered pizza!
Sandy: Where’d you guys order from?
Kevin, Joe and Nick: Picarillo’s
Sandy: That place? Their pizza’s terrible.
[The boys answer the door and a pretty delivery girl is at the door]
Kevin: Terrible?
Nick: How can you say that?
Joe: It’s the most beautiful pizza in the world!
Sandy: Now I know why we order from Picarillo’s.
Tom: Well, honey, you’ve got to admit; it’s a pretty cute pizza [Sandy glares over at Tom. Tom clears his throat] I’ll set the table.

Sandy: Well, it is round and there’s something melted on it. Yet, I can’t bring myself to call it pizza.
Tom: I keep chewing and chewing but I think it’s getting bigger.
Joe: That’s the Jawbreaker, I ordered that!
Tom: This is unbelievable.
Joe: Dad, where is it written that pizza always has to taste good?
Kevin: Picarillo’s is environmentally friendly. Their slogan: “We use the stuff other people throw out.”
Tom: Alright, is your sudden love for Picarillo’s have anything to do with a cute delivery girl?
Kevin: Who?
Tom: Hey, have some pizza, Frankster.
Frankie: [sniffs the pizza] Why do you hate me?

Stella: Okay, if I have to make your pants any bigger, the whole world is going to have a denim shortage.
Joe: Our pants fit fine.
Kevin: As long as we don’t move.
[Kevin moves and his pants rip]
Stella: Okay if you don’t cut down on the pizza, you’ll be going on stage in sweatpants. Mmm good look.
Kevin: Oo power slides in sweatpants, awesome!
Joe: You could design us some really cool ones. With special pockets to hold our pizza…
Kevin: Yes.
Nick: Hey, have you guys tried sweatpants? There’s a lot more… wiggle room.

Joe: Imagine dad thinking I have a crush on the pizza girl. Just because Maria has hair as shiny as eggplant.
Nick: She smells delicious, just like toasted oregano.
Kevin: And she smells delicious, like toasted oregano… you just said that, didn’t you?
Joe: I miss her.
Kevin: Enough to sing about it?
Nick: Oh yeah.

Nick: That was fun.
Kevin: Even as a giant, she’s beautiful
Joe: If I can’t order anymore pizza, how am I supposed to see the pizza girl again? Duh! I’ll just call Maria and ask her out!
Nick: Not if I call her first!

Kevin: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Joe: There’s no problem. The Book of JONAS is clear. None of us are going out with Maria. Agreed?
Nick: No more bad pizza.
Kevin: No more tight pants.
Kevin, Joe and Nick: No Maria.

Joe: Well, good evening mister Nick. If I didn’t no better, I’m guessing someone’s dressed for a date. Perhaps with a girl I’d like to call Maria.
Nick: Can’t a guy get dressed up for his evening snack?
Joe: Oh please, I can smell your body spray from here. What is that? Le Babe Magnet?
Nick: For your information, it’s called Growl.

Nick: Stella. I need some advice. I’m trying to get close to a girl. [Macy slides in next to Nick] A specific girl.
Macy: Oh.
Nick: The problem is there’s two other MacDaddys who are trying to get close to this girl.
Stella: Wait a minute. My Stella senses are tingling. Would these two MacDaddys happen to be Kevin and Joe?
Nick: MacDangit you’re good.
Stella: Emergency JONAS Meeting in 3. 2. 1. What is this I hear about this girl you’re going to ask out?
Joe: Who told you that?
Stella: Uh. Mac and Daddy. So who is she?
Joe: You don’t know her.
Stella: Is she pretty?
Joe: No, she’s hideous, why else would I ask her out?
Stella: [punches Joe in the shoulder] Come on, just tell me who she is.
Joe: Ow. Why are you jealous?
Stella: No, of course not. Is it that new girl in Home Ec?
Macy: Is it Macy on the Archery Squad?
[Kevin, Nick, Joe and Stella glance over at Macy]
Stella: Wait a minute. It’s that pizza girl, isn’t it?
Nick: Are Mac and Daddy still in trouble or could we please go now?
Stela: No no no no no have a seat. Let me fill you guys in on a little Female 411. One guy likes a girl, cool. Two guys like a girl, even better. Three guys like a girl, jackpot! But when those three guys happen to be brothers, well she just bought herself a ticket on the crazy train.
Kevin: Then what are we supposed to do? We all three like her.
Stella: Well all three of you better unlike her.
Nick: We talked about it, we can handle it.
Stella: Wait, you guys think you can handle going after the same girl? Remember when you when the three of you fought over the teddy bear you had when you were kids?

Joe: Maria, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
Nick: The phone is ringing.
Maria: I don’t hear a phone.
Joe: Me either.
Kevin: I’ll be right back!
Joe: Maria, do you like motorcycles? ‘Cause you’d look great in my sidecar.
Maria: That’s sounds cool.
Nick: Phone is ringing.
Maria: There’s no phone ringing. I think you’ve played too many rock concerts.
Joe: Poor guy.
Kevin: Hope you’re hungry, Maria. I cooked for you. Hope you like Crunchie Cats.
[Nick gets mad and calls Kevin's phone. His ringtone repeats 'Kevin likes Maria']
Kevin: Oh. It’s my new ringtone.
Maria: Did you just call him?
Nick: Uh. Yeah, I just wanted to tell him that I wrote you a song.
Joe: What? The phone is ringing, the phone is ringing, the phone is absolutely way way ringing!

Stella: Hey hey hey! What if I dropped one of your… songs on the floor like that?
Joe: Sorry.
Nick: I can’t believe we were about to turn our backs on the Sacred Book of JONAS Law… all for a girl.
Joe: Even if it was Maria with her… her… silky strands of hair like mozzerella.
Kevin: She was a big part of our lives.
Stella: Okay, wait. Pop quiz! What color are Maria’s eyes?
Joe: Blue?
Nick: Brown.
Kevin: I’m pretty sure she had two.
Stella: Name one thing she did besides deliver pizzas.
Joe: She… rang the doorbell.
Nick: She smelled good.
Kevin: She delivered… garlic bread!
Stella: Hello! Don’t you guys get it?
Kevin: How can we get it if you keep asking us questions?
Stella: You guys are fighting over a girl you hardly even know. I mean, this isn’t about Maria at all.

1×04 :: KEEPING IT REAL

Joe: Guys guys! [runs with catcher's gear on]
Nick: When did you join the baseball team?
Joe: Girls!
Kevin: You joined the girl’s baseball team?
Joe: Not baseball, girls! You better protect yourselves?
Kevin: From who? The girls here are totally used to us. See?
Joe: Yeah, what about a girl’s choir from a different school visiting and just found out that JONAS goes here? [puts catcher's mask back on when the bell rings]
[They hear roaring and screams coming their way]
Kevin, Nick: RUN!

[Joe throws trash bags down the firepole holes and slides down]
Joe: GARBAGE BALL! Whoo! I just finished cleaning out under my bed. I’ll get to yours in a minute.
Kevin: Hey! These floors aren’t scrubbing themselves mister!
[Joe walks outside to throw the garbage. Fans screams come in from outside. Joe starts screaming and the sound of clothes ripping grab Kevin and Nick's attention. Joe comes back inside shaking]
Kevin: Wow. We have some enthusiastic fans.
Joe: They took my socks without taking my shoes… how do they do that?
Nick: Keeping it real’s going to be a lot harder than we thought.
[Joe falls to the floor]

Nick: Mom’s coming, look alive.
Joe: I can’t.
Nick: Well then look awake. If mom thinks we can’t handle a couple simple chores, she’s going to be really bummed.
[Tom and Sandy walk in]
Tom: What are you guys up to?
Nick: Just cleaning. [Nick throws a towel at Kevin to wake him up, Kevin is startled and falls down the firepole]
Kevin: Whoa ow!! Pole’s clean!

Kevin: Trapped like rats. Dirty, stinking, rock ‘n roll rats!
Nick: There’s gotta be another way out of here.
Joe: Well the backways’ no good.
Kevin: Why not?
Joe: There is no backway.
Kevin: Oh…

Joe: Wait a minute. What happened to the JONAS sprit? Remember when we tried to take out the garbage? Kevin, you were like “let’s take out the garbage!” and Nick, you were like “look at us, we’re taking out the garbage!” and I was like “hey, I’m Joe, and I’m taking out the garbage!” YES!!!
Nick: What’s your point?
Joe: Why is it that every inspiring speech has to have a point?

Joe: Hey, Nick. Do these sunglasses make my head look fat?
Nick: No, your fat head makes your head looks fat. [Kevin walks past Nick and Joe wearing trash bags full of garbage] Where are you going?
Kevin: Out.
Joe: Like that? This is meant with love, but you look a little trashy.

1×05 :: BAND’S BEST FRIEND

1×06 :: CHASING THE DREAM

1×07 :: FASHION VICTIM

1×08 :: THAT DING YOU DO

1×09 :: COMPLETE REPEAT

1×10 :: LOVE SICK

1×11 :: THE THREE MUSKETEERS

1×12 :: FRANTIC ROMANTIC

1×13 :: DETENTION

1×14 :: KARAOKE SURPRISE

1×15 :: HOME NOT ALONE

1×16 :: FORGETTING STELLA’S BIRTHDAY

1×17 :: THE TALE OF THE HAUNTED FIREHOUSE

1×18 :: DOUBLE DATE

1×19 :: COLD SHOULDER

1×20 :: BEAUTY AND THE BEAT

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